andralady

People on my ship are so friendly. Everyone is like sending me emails and finding me on myspace and facebook...actually it's getting kinna creepy, but I'm cool with it shit happens.

I think everyone expects me to be normal. But I'd rather spend my day in my bed or reading or just relaxing then trying to play girlfriend and whatever else girls play at. I'm just not made for that shit. I'm not made to be nice to. I don't have guys be nice to me. I've never just had nice. He sent chocolate to my room. And even Lorenzen said I can't mess this up. And Buchanan wants me to get dressed up tomorrow for "the date." They say it like it's a big deal. To me it's just watching a movie. I really don't date. I dance, I watch movies, I laugh at funny stuff, I walk around, I share intrests. I don't play girl, I don't talk too much, I don't get dressed up or put on make up. I'm just not normal. I won't be normal here, I won't be normal in japan. I honestly can't do it. Maybe if I was born somewhere else, or if I did things different, but I didn't. I'm Andra and I'm fucked up. I can't even stand a guy actually being nice to me and treating me like I'm precious. Obviously I require lots and lots of therapy if that's what people consider fun. I consider fun driving with my friends and laughing at stupid stuff, or sitting in a basement for hours playing sims 2. Human contact is worthless to me. He asked if I got tired of being lonely. I don't even feel lonely anymore I'm numb to it. I do so much stuff in a day that I don't get to feel lonely. God I fail at life. At least I'm good at the things I do, except life in general that I seem to not be good at. Isn't there other people that just feel like me? People who don't really care if they have human contact or not? People who don't fall for fairytales and princes and stupid gushy stuff? Maybe only I can describe this exact feeling. I can't even define it. I just know I'm not the same as other people. Not even remotely.

March 10th. That's the day I gotta be on my ship. I am so excited to go to Japan. Even if I'm sick. Earlier today Jon asked me out and stuff we're going to the movies tomorrow to see Cloverfield. He asked if I wanted to go to a hotel room and that he won't try anything and he's a nice guy so I believe him but I said maybe next weekend. Tonight I'm going to the club and dancing and having fun. My back hurts a lot I've used two icy-hot patches. Jon said he'd give me a massage...now you must know I'm a whore for a good massage and his aunt was a messus so he got taught stuff oh man! Exciting, but I did pass up the hotel stuff. My roommates say I should just let loose and have fun since I haven't the whole entire time I've been on base, but I'm reluctant to start any sort of relationship since seriously I'm about to leave for Japan. Or maybe I'm just a scardy cat lately. I really don't like getting close to anyone anymore. Isn't that sad I've given up on people and I'm not even that old yet. My dad wants to visit me before I leave, he's getting sad that I'm leaving but I'll keep in contact with him. I do love what's left of my family even if they hurt me a lot sometimes. And I love my friends too so much Hattie and Viva gah you two should know that by now, but the rest of humanity I've given up on sort of. I'm just excited to travel and do new things and I think everyone should have some sort of chance like that...though most people don't. As for the relationships I don't think I'm meant for them. Honestly I know I'm not. I just have this strange mentality where I can't seem to commit to one person. Maybe it's how I've grown up and how I'm growing now, but I'm used to moving a lot and doing things that most people don't do. I'm just I'm too unsettled and too strange. Anyway I'm gonna have some fun this weekend at least. Otherwise later journal. Later people I love. Later world.

I'm going to Japan, I'm sorta sick, I finished all my paperwork, I'm almost done with classes, I love being class leader, I miss getting letters and phone calls, I want a muffin, I need some hugs, I miss chipotle because I never went because we got lost so we just went to outback, I haven't had soda in forever, I love chicken rice, I love to PT with everyone every Monday Wednesday and Friday, I like going dancing to the club, I have duty on Friday night (tonight which sucks), I wanna go to WallMart with my roommates so we are, I was invited drinking, I think my insturctor hits on me a lot but I don't mind, I love to make a long continuous senteces to update my week with everyone, and finally I am a bit tired.

To JAPAN!....that is all...

I've seriously only had 3 full hours of sleep last night. We had a fire drill at 2 in the morning for a fire drill. Then we went and had another fire drill at 3 in the morning because a pipe burst on the 3rd floor and started flooding all the stuff on the female side of the building. Then we woke up at 4 am because the water set off the alarms outside in the cold snow and wind. It was not a fun night only to wake up to not a fun morning where we had to grab all my roommates stuff out of her closet because the pipe was leaking through to us the second floor. And then we still had to go to school. I'm class leader now and have a red badge which all the boot camp kids look at and think I'm in charge so they hide their cell phones from me which I find extreemly funny. Otherwise I might take a shower and go to sleep. And then we had another fire drill just 15 minutes ago to make sure we were ready for fire drills we were actually timed...I thought all those fire drills last night were our tests I guess I was wrong. The navy is making me frozen. I still haven't recieved my orders and I only have 10 days of school left. Lets see how the rest of my time goes with me killing my PLR. Anyway enjoy your wonderful not cold, fire drill less days. I will go and try and catch up on sleep and studying because I almost failed my quiz today. Well then I bid you adiu.

I went to the club last night and went country dancing and it was pretty fun though I cannot for the life of me dance country. But the guys were still asking so that made it sorta ok for me. Otherwise I miss burrito night with Viva and Hattie. Instead I have noodle night by myself. I love the phone calls from Viva and I love sending both of them letters. Damn what I wouldn't give for a day at chipotle and borders with them again. Otherwise I start school again tomorrow. I'll see what happens then. Later I'm off to eat some noodles.

So I was heating my face with my bowl of pasta cuz my nose was cold...I know it sounds weird, and I hit my knee againts the desk. DUDE I was like "I wish Hattie was here to see she would have laughed so bad" at least the pasta was filling but I really wish I had some mexican food, some Chipotle, or gah anything except italian. That and I got all into this nap mood cuz it's so cold so I just went under my blankets and slept for an hour or so. It felt good. Otherwise I wanna go to the club tonight but I dunno if it's gonna happen. I SHOULD THOUGH! I should try to enjoy myself, be more social, be normal. I jst don't know why I can't bring myself to do that. I'm so retarted. Oh well I'll see if I go or not. Later.

It sounds pretty cool eh? I graduated today and I got top graduate which means I got a white BECC "Top Grad" hat that I can brag with, I got advanced two pay grades, and I get the chance to get advanced another pay grade to Petty Officer Florea...that sounds nice when I go to my next command. I feel oh so lovely. I got a 93% average on all the courses and I am amazing. Honestly I feel great. There is nothing that could bring me down tonight. Beside getting higher pay grade = more money, I'm just glad my hard work paid off. Otherwise I am up to nothing. I have 8-B labs to do. My orders come in a week and I have to do lots of paperwork with my PLR who congradulated me and shook my hand (I know the bitch one right?!). And I am glad to say I'm glad to get the fuck out of here.

I took my mod 7 test and I got a 90% today which means I'm graduating tomorrow and I might get top grad. Me and my friend Rachel will most likely go out to celebrate today I'd really like it, if not I'm sure I'll do something fun myself. I really can't wait till I finish 8-B and the test so I can get the hell out of here. Tomorrow I am being beligerent to my PLR and yelling at her to give me my orders because I do not wanna be stuck here a month because she hasn't worked on getting me orders anywhere at all. She sits in an office for 8 hours doing nothing she can at least try to help me which is her job after all. Otherwise I'm super excited. Yesterday I slept really really long. I got back from school and fell asleep and I only woke up at 5am this morning. I was really tired and glad to catch up on sleep. This weekend is a duty free weekend and all my roommates are going away the entire time so I will have peace and quiet! YAY! I know this is exciting stuff. I'm really ok with all of them because they're super nice and they let me use their laptops. I'm just really really excited to get off the base, Chicago is getting too cold for me, it was 18 degrees this morning! That is insane and the wind chill was twice as bad. Anyway I'm gonna go out with my painted nails and my make up tonight and have some fun! I love my boy hair, though it gets way too much attention on this base (especially from the girls gawking that I would do such a thing, and some of the guys) but most of the guys ignore it or deal with it because really who wants to mess with a girl that is almost as tough as them, it's silly! Killian doesn't bother me anymore since I cut my hair since hey check it out I'm not that much of a girl anymore. I can't belive what a difference a hair cut can do. My roommate says that it looks the same just shorter, everyone else except me disagrees with that and they have metal break downs it seems. I am still in some sort of high school where dying or cutting my hair is prohibited without consultation, or insulted if otherwise. I feel like someone should prescribe me "How To Be A Girl" medicine, or some self help book. Facebook is too addictive for me. Anyway otherwise I feel a little sad because I keep missing Hattie and Viva and my Brother but I'll be ok. My brother called me saturday that was super fun! I almost never hear from him. Supposedly he only has weekend liberty which sucks. I love being phase 3 I can be out all hours of the night! It's my favorite so far. Well I'm off to enjoy some sort of military life later----
Andra

Your heart is a dryer. Full of things it tumbles, cools, dries, and keeps warm for a while. But sometimes it accumulates too much lint and catches on fire, or worse it breaks down.
--by Andra Florina Florea

don't steal it, it took me a long time to perfect this quote...actually it took me a few minutes but it's not nice to take credit for someone else's thoughts you know...I'm just saying you can be like "this girl on lj wrote this awesome quote" ok..that's all...I'm weird

me in mah room with my new hair. enjoy I'm sure hattie will do some photo magic on this one too heh.

Yesterday I took my test and passed and then I finished some stuff took another test today and passed and I'm advanced and I got two more tests to go and I graduate and get out of here! I feel so great. It's not even that long either since I leave after mod 8. I'm so excited even though I have no energy. But otherwise I'm really really happy that I'm doing so well at this. I really am aiming for top grad which will advance me two ranks YAY! Ok ok gotta calm down otherwise I dunno what I'm doing this weekend. But I did write a letter to Viva I hope she gots it. And I'm writing a lot in my speed racer journal. I'm not too busy anymore since I did my stuff before I went on leave. And I found out I'm only -7 leave days well actually -5 because thanksgiving only counted as 3 leave days. And I get paid on the 15th. I might go sleep early to catch up on some sleep since I haven't had any in forever. That and all my roommates will probably be gone this weekend so I'll have peace and quiet and watch movies and relax for once. Oh mah gawd that was a lot to type and I did it really fast I bet if I tried to say it all I'd run out of breath. YOU JUST WAIT NAVY ANDRA'S COMING TO GET YOU!

I finished night school in two days took my test yesterday passed. Got back to the ship at 4 did colors as a last minute favor to my section leader at 4 30pm did a watch at 5 20pm cuz I'm nice, did my watch at 8pm-12am. I'm tired I haven't gotten much sleep this week and my schedule for eating is fucked up. I dunno how much longer I can keep up the ruse that I'm not about to pass out. I'll see how day school goes today, maybe I'll even be on later.

This weekend is horrible so far. Beside watching movies constantly and wandering the base alone at night (the sky is really clear around here you can see all the stars and even Mars), there is nothing for me to do. Today I have duty and watch at 2000 till 2400 it will be boring and I'll have nothing to do. I don't know what I'm doing anyway anymore. I have night school only for a few days and if I'm lucky and still remember everything I studied before I went on leave I'll pass my MOD 6 test and move on.
I'm delaying certain things, like going to legal to write a will. It feels sad and so concrete. Like you're awaiting your death sooner then others. Who writes a will at 18.
I feel so lonely and sad around the base. When I wander the base at night I keep thinking of running through the snow really far away, it makes my thoughts flee, but then it makes me realize I'm fucked up in the head. I put on make up yesterday and nice clothes and went out by myself and I did some things but it's not the same without good friends or family.
I hope school makes me feel a little better and more determined then I do now. I just don't feel motivated enough. I wanna graduate sooner and move on from this place but there's no motivation left in me. It's unfortunate that there's so much that disappeared with me on this break. I keep writing these messed up poems in my head and my Speed Racer notebook that I got from Viva. It makes me feel weird. Maybe I just will always be weird.
I wish my phone would work again too so maybe I could have more contact with people, but instead I just read books that people would be afraid to read and kill time by sleeping when I don't need to. Tomorrow I'm gonna have liberty. I wanna do something fun but I'm not sure what. Maybe I'll go to the mall, or something. But the mall is no good for me I'm not someone preppy enough for it. Maybe just maybe I'll find something or someone that's just as weird as me. I miss watching anime.

So Hattie and her Dad ended up driving me to the train station. The train was really late it only came at 4am, but I was seated to this retired teacher he was 63 and he was going back to Sacramento so he has two more days on trains trains. He shared his blanket with me because the train got really really cold. I got back to base at 1 but I stayed at the loft and fell asleep till 5 so I only got back to my room at 6. I cleaned my room and did stuff and my roommate showed up and we talked a little. I just came back from eating dinner, and T-Mobile isn't working right for anyone on base. You can't like make calls because they keep failing and they won't send messages. It's kinna sad. I was really sad at the train station when Hattie left me. I wanted to write but I didn't feel like I could. I wanted to cry because I left everyone my brother and Hattie and Viva. It just made me sad being alone waiting for the train. But otherwise I'm ok. I really miss being a civilian at times like that, but I know this is my job for the next 5 years and I just have to be strong and be solid alone. Yeah it will get lonely but it's just something that happens people grow up in different places. But I really know in my heart I wanna keep contact forever with Hattie and Viva and my Brother too. I had an awesome break beside a few down sides. Happy New Year to everyone! This year my resolution is to go to Japan with Hattie and Viva. Otherwise later

I started talking to Hattie about my dog tags because I decided to wear them today. I don't wear them often, but I do have them on me all the time. I don't wear them since I'm allergic to metal and stuff (that was hard to deal with in boot camp because you had to wear them all the time) but tonight I wanted to wear them. Whenever I put them on they make me feel invincible. They give us two for a reason, one too shove between our teeth on the field if we die (I'd have a squished face) to id the body later, the other to send to our next of kin. Anyway my mind is messed up about certain things in the military and the way we do things, but these dog tags they make me feel cold and strong just like they are. Anyway I'd thought I'd give a poem a try about them maybe so you can understand my messed up non-logic.

It is pleasing to hear
The sound they make to my ears.
They jingle like bullet case
Hitting the ground with nameless faces;

It's a morbid sound
The bringer of death near your ground.
You run you hide but it follows,
Next to your heart it swallows,
All your fears are gone,
With the salute at the setting sun.

The jingle of your soul,
Embodied in metal whole.
Your name on it's smooth sheen
Makes you feel serene.

I breathe and walk like they do-
Two by two by two.
I stand I look like they do
Strong alone and true.
Nothing on them a lie:
They won't let me cry.

They dance they play on my chest,
I play for them in their quest.
Keep me strong and clear!
Like I keep you near.

but not too bad. Anyway I had an awesome Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Viva and at the very end Viva and Hattie. And so far my holidays have been so great. I loved hanging out with everyone it made me feel so happy. Seriously though if I write about it in too much detail I'll feel like I'll forget it. Lately all the memories I don't write about I remember better.
Mrs Voight told us once that the memories we never share are the ones we remember the most, because every time you repeat it to someone it becomes less since you just give pieces and pieces away, and it becomes colder because you say it so many times. When you say something once it has more meaning then when you repeat it. So I guess I learned from that. Viva gave me this Speed Racer journal which I really do love and writing in it makes me happy, but I only want to write poetry or song lyrics or something meaningful.
I think most of what I write in here is so I can share it with my two closest friends. Today it was funny. Waking up next to Hattie. She woke me up now and again when she yelled or talked funny stuff in her dreams but it was comforting. Then we hung out till four and then she drove me home and stuff. Even her brothers were a little interactive. And Icy doesn't hate me that much anymore. I took a bath and it didn't turn out well. It was the first bath I didn't like in a while. Anyway beside that Vivian hung out at my house and we ate cherry pie and watched V for Vendetta, Which is becoming my favorite movie I think. And so I'm back here recollecting, only to myself, and a little to this journal, what I did today. Otherwise I don't know how the night will end. I'm trying to get back to a normal sleeping pattern before I go back, but I'm not really committed to it.
Tomorrow I wanna go see my recruiters and say hello to them see what they've been up to. They returned my phone call today when I was sleeping, at least Petty Officer Waiken did. Maybe I'll even do Harp Duty with them ( I don't expect anyone not in the military to understand that but if you ask I'll explain). Otherwise I don't have much planned for the rest of the holiday. I know I gotta help my brother go to the dentist and other things, but I seriously have no idea what is going on. I'll figure it out as I go along. It's how the rest of this break seems to be working out.

Oh I took a picture of me...since I haven't gotten any new ones up beside this one. I'm awesome like that. ( Enjoy )

They don't call it navy blues just for colors. I don't like being home, being reminded of what I left behind all the time. At this point I don't know what to say

I don't wanna share my feelings about it yet.